Dear Mom

Dear Mom, I don’t know how to tell you this out loud but I’ll try. I can’t say much to you these days and you might wonder why. I have tried to find words to to tell you and I thought I did but it went right over your head like a plane in the sky. See my life is brand new because of Christ. I gave up my life filled with sin For chance to walk right and so, on I write about this recognition of God’s mission to reconcile me, us, back to him through his only begotten son, Jesus.  It wasn’t easy to find his light. I was blinded by the darkness and with a heart full of deceit slowly I was making my way down path lead by the prince of the power of air.(satan) Even in my own despair I singled myself out as a lonely human being among others just as lonely as me only to realize that the reason I was  hanging on to that life was because I didn’t want to end up being rejected by the same ones I let mold me. So you thought I was going out with friends when really I was just using that lie as a means to a reckless end. I was really going to be with him.  The boy who took my virginity and that’s when my soul ties began. I found my worth in what he thought of me. And mom, You weren’t telling me I was beautiful because God made me but that I needed to lose weight to fit into clothes that were pretyy with fat nick names like “big mama’s house”. I’ve battled with my weight for years and all you have ever done was equip me with the lowest view of myself allowing me to fall into a deep depression having the lowest impression of you as my mother. What do you expect from a child whose mother brought her to run at the track at age eight. it pleased me when ever you told me I looked like I might have lost a little weight. Oh and the friends you thought you knew were nothing but trouble for me. They taught me how to lie, some taught me how to steal, and by the time I was 18 none of it seemed like a big deal so  I okayed my wrong doings and hid them from you all of my teen years.  I numbed a lot of the pain with boys and binge drinking.  It gave me a thrill to live reckless without thinking. I kept on in this lifestyle with my troublesome  friends carelessly committing sins and you let me.  You never told me anything about sex except kissing leads to other things and that you didnt want me to end up like our next door neighbor lashawn but little do you know I almost ended up a teenaged mom. Yup your girl was almost a statistic and I know you would have gone ballistic but I played coy and kept that part of my life a secret. Well look at God now mom look what he did. I prayed “please lord I am not ready for this responsibility. I am only a baby not ready for babies so keep that at bay father and make a way father, Amen”.  And the test was negative. I went back to  my sin but I had to make sure I was clear and free. so when you took me on a trip to the doctor I secretly got tested for HIV. It was negative again and God showed me his faithfulness twice but what did I show him?  Just more willingness to commit sin. Off to college ready for parties and heavy drinking. Not thinking that what would later take place would leave me broken.  I got into a car with a drunk driver. She drank and drove on the way to the club and on the way back the sped down the daytona international speed way laughing forgetting about the young lives in her car. I made it back safe without even thanking God for his protection. I wiped the sweat offrom my brow while continuing down a path of destruction. Back in a van I went with another drunk driver after a movie night something so innocent. He swerved in and out of lanes screaming for everyone to shutup while he drove drunk. He sped over a long bridge while I prayed to God saying please take the wheel and as he went the car swerved almost tilting over an embankment into the ocean.  But he didn’t and there I knew God had spoken. I was His.  I found God not because I grew up with a strong Christian up bringing. But because he showed me what life would be like if I kept sinning. He was there from the beginning and he will be there in the end.  But mom will you stop and look back at your life as I just did.  Tell me, what things have you hid? God brings everything in darkness to light so don’t wait until its too late to vent but confess mom and repent. There are things I don’t know and questions that run through my mind and truth that I search for like why my father didn’t meet me until I was four? And why you two got married and after that I didn’t see him anymore.  On and off from the time I was eight and he didn’t know much about me because it was too late. I’m 21 now and my life has changed thanks to the God above. He showed me His love. He can keep you mom and give you the help you and the kids need but you have to seek him.  Mom I love you

I’m praying for you

Love, Tisha

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